In middle school I used to hurt myself. I can’t remember how it started, all I know is I had no place to go with my emotions and I would feel so much.
It’s like I hurt so much from inside I wanted to leave the person who was responsible for my hurting, I wanted to leave the house, I wanted to leave my body, all I could think of was ‘leave, leave, leave’, but I was stuck.
I didn’t have control.
Some people say hurting yourself is a form of asking for attention, in hindsight I do think I needed more attention then I got and maybe it was a cry for help, but I remember being very ashamed of my arm. I would still wear long sleeves when it was very hot outside.
For me hurting myself was a way of releasing the tension that was inside of me. When I felt physical pain instead of emotional pain I would calm down. I would feel numb in the end, but at least the pain inside of me would subside for a while.
Nowadays I still feel the things I describe and I don’t hurt myself. My mind sometimes goes there, when I really can’t stand all the emotional pain that’s building up inside of me, but I remember my arm and that the scars from 12 years ago are still there and I think of tomorrows and how I wouldn’t want to remember yesterdays by scars. I wouldn’t want the pain I felt to taunt me, not just in my memories, but also in flesh and blood.
So I just sit there, with the pain. I ride it out, I brave through. In the end it always goes away, it might take a night, a day, a week or more, but the feeling goes.
If you are hurting yourself I hope you can reach out to someone for help, talk to someone, a school counselor, a professional. In the meantime I hope you found some comfort in my story knowing you’re not alone.