I’m busy (again) with fysiotherapy, but this time I actually have the feeling he and I are accomplishing something.
I haven’t stood straight since my teenage years and all of a sudden I’m standing more straight then ever before.
It sometimes feels a bit vulnerable to open up my chest, which you do when you straighten up, that’s probably the reason when you feel insecure it immediately crumbles.
The therapy is a combination of fysiotherapy and osteopathy with a holistic approach. So there’s also a lot of pain involved when massaging the trigger points in my body. And because of this there’s also a lot of feelings being freed.

I have been very teary lately.

Mostly I’m confronted with how insecure I really am and how ridiculous I feel sometimes.
My entire body is adjusted to this feeling that, I’m not worthy and that I’m ugly.
In my mind I have the feeling something’s shifting with how I perceive myself, but I have the feeling my entire body is fighting and it wants to turn back to what feels familiar and secure. 

I’m shifting back and forth between feeling happy with myself and feeling ugly, unworthy and ridiculous and for some reason knowing how it feels to feel good, makes the feeling bad even more sad and tiring.

So I found myself crying again and feeling utterly ridiculous again after a session of fysiotherapy, where I had to practice to squat and I didn’t know how to and the movement just wouldn’t click in my brain. Fortunately my boyfriend was home and we could talk about my feelings and perceptions.
Next day I was buying a yoga outfit and when I was looking in the mirror I felt good again…
Maybe this is going to take a while, but I’ll get there.